my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
