So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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