I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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