Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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