tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize