New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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