Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
