A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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