the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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