Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize