note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
