he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
