There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
