I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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