I wish I could punch you in the face.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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