He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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