Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
