So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
