I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
