I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize