I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize