Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
