Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
