She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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