So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
