He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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