I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize