I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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