so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
