Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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