what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
