What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
