He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
