so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
