I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
