I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
