If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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