I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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