Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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