Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
