Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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