If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize