I'm pants shitting drunk right now
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
