Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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