Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize