Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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