I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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