my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
there is glitter all over my balls
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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