R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I stole a fireplace last night.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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