VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
