But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Text me some of your sweat
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