We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
