Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
