I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
