Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I cut my penus on the lid.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
