I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
