Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just gargled with NyQuil
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
