Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
