My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
