In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
